


I'm quite alright (but I hope I don't blink)

by borrowedtime



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, With a happy ish ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 11:38:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10990149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/borrowedtime/pseuds/borrowedtime
Summary: As it turns out, an emotionally unavailable woman does not a good girlfriend make.





	I'm quite alright (but I hope I don't blink)

**Author's Note:**

> Title: Fake Happy by Paramore.

As it turns out, an emotionally unavailable woman does not a good girlfriend make. Lena should know this, does know this, and still somehow she found herself falling into an easy pattern with Kara. An easy pattern of flirting, copious lunch outings that evolved into drinks at night. 

An easy pattern that evolved into them, well, dating. Lena's not sure if she should be surprised, baffled or grateful.

They've been dating for three months - six or so after the botched Daxamite invasion - when Kara begins to realize exactly what it means to date Lena Luthor. 

Lena stands in her office, it's somewhere between ten and eleven in the evening and she's not in the mood to see anyone for the remainder of the night. She's halfway to a bottle of scotch when she sees Kara in the doorway. The journalist shuts the door when she speaks. 

'Lena, why didn't you call me?' It's nowhere near accusatory, and more sad than anything else, but Lena finds herself twisting the cap off the bottle and taking a swig to hide the sudden sting she feels. 

It hits her somewhere behind the eyes, and makes them sting. 

Lena smirks. 'And tell you what exactly? That no one showed up to my presentation even though I've saved both alien and humankind twice? It seems like a bit of a moot point, darling.' 

Kara huffs, adjusts her glasses and walks into the office space further. 'I could have supported you.' 

Lena gestures with the hand that's still holding the bottle of scotch. 'I can support myself.' 

Kara senses whatever direction this conversation seems to be heading in. She sits down on the couch, adopting a more SuperGirl than Kara Danvers pose, and waits. It's in these moments that Lena realizes that the woman she sees before her is neither SuperGirl nor Kara Danvers. Sitting in her periphery, willing to wait out whatever storm Lena is weathering, is Kara Zor El. 

Kara is firm, when she speaks next. 'You promised me you'd tell me when you're upset.' 

Lena wants to be vulnerable in that moment, wants to give in to the support being offered to her. A part of her wants to collapse into waiting arms. 

But she can't. 

She's on high alert and all of her nerves feel like they're on fire. Almost every part of her is screaming to build up as many defenses as she can. 

She can't show this weakness on her face or - 

She can't be this close to tears and so ready to break or - 

She can't lean on another person to process her emotions or - 

Lena sits down her at desk. 'I suppose it's pointless to bring up the old adage. Promises are made to be broken.' 

Kara rolls her eyes. 'Nothing is made to be broken, Lena.'

'Well that's debatable.' She could list all the inventions that are, quite literally, made to be broken. But before she has the chance, Kara is up on her feet and pacing about. 

She stops, staring at her girlfriend. 'Why are you doing this?'

Lena feels the question slice into her. Her throat closes, thick. So, she does the one thing she could never be accused of. 

Playing dumb. 'Doing what?'

Kara moves, just a touch too fast for it to be human, to stand at Lena's desk. Lena takes another sip of scotch and pretends not to see Kara's disapproving stare.

'Lena.' 

'Kara.' Lena licks her lip, and watches Kara's eyes dip down to catch the motion. 

She could play on that, if she wanted. That'd get her out of this godawful situation of sharing feelings that she can't force out of her mouth. But, even as Lena feels far more trapped than she should, she can't bring herself to.

Kara sighs. 'Babe, c'mon, you gotta work with me a little bit on this.'

The better part of Lena knows that she should help out her girlfriend understand and work through all of her emotional distance. The better part of Lena is filled with warm at hearing Kara call her a pet name, to be reminded that yes, they are still dating.

Lena huffs. 'And say what, exactly?' 

Kara taps her fingers, quick and nervous, on the smooth surface of the desk. 'Tell me what you feel, right now.' 

Upset. Ashamed. Defensive. 

'I'm fine, darling.' 

'You're not.' Kara grounds out. 'You're not fine.' 

This has proved to be one of the quickest ways to make Kara angry. Lena remains unsure if it's because Lena is being purposefully obtuse, or if it's because Kara is reminded of exactly what a childhood with Lillian Luthor as the mother figure entails.

'I thought you told me you got rid of all the scotch in your office.' Kara says, when Lena falls to answer. 

'This was a gift, it seemed a shame to waste it. Did you want a glass?' 

'No.' 

Lena had removed the scotch, for a multitude of reasons. One, it reminded her too much of Lionel. Two, she promised herself she'd depend more on her girlfriend in the more serious moments of emotional intimacy than a glass of scotch like she'd been taught. Three, vices rather than openness is a terrible way to maintain a relationship.

'Suit yourself.' Lena puts down the bottle anyway, and huffs a small laugh. 'Suit yourself, get it?' 

Kara isn't as amused. 'Are you going to come here every time something goes wrong?'

It feels far too true, and so Lena's hackles rise. 

'Are you going to insist upon bursting in here every time I do?' 

She watches Kara's jaw clench. 'We agreed that it was okay for me to come looking for you.' 

Lena expels a rush of air. Bravado coats her tongue but she's trying not to let it out. She's trying to remember what people do in these situations, when they have the opportunity to share their feelings. She tries to think about what Kara would do. 

She relaxes, schools her face into something more apologetic. 'I'm sorry.' 

Kara watches her carefully. 'Lena, stop pretending.' 

The dark haired woman makes a frustrated noise at the back of her throat. She considers throwing the bottle of scotch across the room, in her irritation, but doesn't. 

'Please appreciate that I'm at least trying, Kara.' 

That seems to soothe some of the tension from the alien's posture. 'I know you are.'

Lena closes her eyes and tries to recall exactly how she felt during LCorp's presentation of the revitalization of renewable farming. She's tries to remember the stab of embarrassment and shame when she checked her watch for the fifth time in fifteen minutes. She tries to remember the last of her resolve almost crumbling when she realized that no one was coming to see a Luthor speak. All that work, all that wishing to make the world a better place, wasted and useless.

She tries to pretend Kara isn't there, when she speaks. 'It's quite simple really. How do you think I'd feel when not one of my guests showed up? It doesn't matter what good I do. They'll never see me as anything but a xenophobic Luthor. Of course I'm disappointed, I am human.' 

In her moment of sardonic humor, she nearly misses Kara softly saying: 'they'll see you just for you, soon.' 

Lena's eyes snap open, and she makes a sweeping gesture with one arm. 'When? What more good do I need to do? I've rescued everyone twice. I own several hospitals that I run purely to improve the health care system in this city. I donate a portion of LCorp's profit to several charities every quarter. How much more do I need to do before they separate me from my ilk of a family?'

She doesn't realize she's crying until she touches her cheek, on accident. Kara moves over to her, then, but doesn't touch her. Not yet. 

'I know it's shitty. It's not fair that you can't escape your family name. But it won't always be like this, I know that for certain.' 

Lena forgets, selfishly forgets, that Kara understands the weight of a family name better than most. Immeasurable expectations. A stifling legacy. Ghosts that taunt from the shadows.

She leans towards her girlfriend, almost imperceptibly adjusting her posture. She knows that Kara will see it. When she does, she slips her arms around Lena's waist and pulls her close. 

Lena can probably count the amount of tears she's shed tonight, as she feels her throat thicken with sadness and her eyes dry again.

She closes her eyes and whispers. 'Come home with me.' 

She feels Kara press a kiss into her hair. 'Okay.'

They don't fly. Kara offers but Lena isn't sure she can handle it, and politely declines. The drive doesn't take long, but Lena feels her emotional equilibrium balance out by the time they pull into her building.

When they reach her apartment, Lena is just about ready to curl up in her bed and succumb to sleep. Kara slips into spare pajamas and curls up underneath the covers, as Lena stands at her mirror opposite the bed. 

She wipes away the day's makeup and watches her girlfriend. Kara looks far too attractive sitting up in an old white shirt and tracksuit pants, Lena thinks. Kara smiles at her, soft and unassuming, as Lena pulls off her heels. 

She walks over to Kara's side of the bed. 'Unzip me?' 

She knows she could unzip her own dress if she wanted to, but her limbs feel heavy and she can't summon the energy. Kara obliges, diligently, regardless. She presses a kiss to the closest part of Lena she can reach, as she pulls the zipper down. Lena feels Kara's lips skate gently over the middle of her spine, and can't suppress a shiver.

Lena barely manages to slip an old MIT shirt before she turns off the lights and sinks into bed. She wants Kara to hold her but her tongue has forgotten how to ask. She doesn't know if she can manage the words, so she doesn't try. She must stare at Kara for a while, though, because she feels Kara lay down next to her and pull her close.

'Sleep, L. I'm not going anywhere.' 

It took Kara about a month to learn that Lena is infinitely comforted by reminders that she isn't just going to up and leave. Of course, Lena learnt in turn to remind Kara that she's safe and well and isn't going to die any time soon, so it wasn't entirely a one way street.

It had taken awhile for Lena to warm up to the nickname L. It reminded her too much of Luthor than Lena, but when Kara remained adamant that there was only so many ways to she could shorten Lena - not Luthor - in a nickname, the other woman relented. Especially in considering that 'Lee' was strictly off limits, as it had only ever been used by her brother. 

Lena sighs and rolls over to face her - literal - superhero girlfriend. 'I am sorry, about today.' 

This is probably the part of herself that she hates the most. The small part that Lilian had never been able to kill. The small girl who, when she was adopted, pleaded: please like me, please don't leave me, please don't be mad with me. The small girl that remained, somehow buried deep within her.

She feels Kara glide her finger over Lena's bare hip, in reassuring circles. 'I know you are, it's okay.' 

'It isn't.' Lena insists, because forgiveness should never be this easy.

'It is.'

Kara drags her nails gently down Lena's hip. Lena shivers and, suddenly, feels far more awake than she should. 

She watches the moonlight filter through curtains she forgot to close. She watches the moonbeams light up Kara's blue eyes.

'Kiss me, Kara.' She doesn't normally order her girlfriend around, but she knows that tonight Kara won't press closer or move for more contact unless Lena asks for it. 

Kara shifts closer and presses her lips against Lena's. Lena adjusts and Kara adjusts until Kara is on top of the other woman. The kissing becomes more heated, desperate.

A good girlfriend isn't emotionally stilted, Lena thinks as she feels Kara bite her lip, but at least she's trying.

**Author's Note:**

> basically a character study ish of what Lena would be like at least initially if she ever did date Kara.


End file.
